Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls (2019) by Lisa Damour, Ph.D
((This is the second of Dr. Damour’s 3 books. Don’t worry, the other two are also in my queue… ))
Research shows that anxiety disproportionately affects young girls compared with boys their own age. Dr. Lisa Damour examines a myriad of factors to explain this discrepancy (such as issues related to emotional intelligence, hormones/puberty, nuanced and complex interpersonal relationship dynamics, academic expectations, and other larger social and cultural influences–all on top of the influence of technology and social media) and offers guidance regarding on how to address it by calling on anecdotes from her clinical work with teen-aged girls, her experiences as a mother to two daughters, and a few scenarios shared by friends. It’s important that we, as the adults in the room, are offering support (congruent with the 4 S’s presented in the Power of Showing Up) to not only help our girls feel safe and secure, but to also model the skills, impart the wisdom, and guide them through this transition from childhood to adulthood so that they will then have the tools they need to feel safe and secure as they increase their independence into adulthood (as is a normal part of the developmental trajectory). The catch, then, is that we (again, as the adults in the room) have that information and those skills to share with and model for them. How many of us can honestly say that we do?
All the more reason to read this book as Dr. Damour walks us through a lot of that–understanding the neurobiology of stress and anxiety and how to “read” those cues to make mindful choices; how to hold space for our daughters’ intense (and often hormone-fueled) emotional dysregulation to validate their emotions, help to ground them, and then introduce emotional regulation skills; and even to have open and awkward conversations about interpersonal relationships, challenging cultural norms or expectations, cultivating clear ideas about what they want/need, and even sex. And to be able to do all of these things successfully, we (again) need to be able to tolerate the distress of these interactions ourselves so we can co-regulate our daughters until they are able to integrate this information into their daily experiences.
How did I hear about this book: listening to the author as a guest on one of my favorite podcasts @armchairexpertpod.
Would I recommend it to colleagues: Sure, and I have already
Would I recommend this to clients: Yes—I’d recommend this book to anyone with young ladies in their life—whether they are parents, aunts/uncles, mentors, coaches, etc. All adults can play a supportive role in a young person’s life.
How do I apply this content to my work:
As I listened to Dr. Damour as a guest on the podcast, she made an important point that when adults are in therapy, it can provide a more conducive environment for our children to navigate their experiences. For many adults who know they are struggling to support their daughters, are confounded by what their daughters are currently facing, or know they never got the support described in this book, they may wonder how to provide their daughters with the support they need to get through this trying time. The answer is that they can go to therapy and/or engage in any other activities/opportunities to continue to heal, learn, grow—get the support you need to cultivate those skills now. Dr. Damour highlights that it is our instinct to try to rescue our girls from discomfort. While I appreciate how distressing it can be to watch your kid suffer, we need to be sure we have the capacity to tolerate our own distress so we can help our girls face their challenges, experience mastery, and gain a sense of control and empowerment for themselves. I am certainly loving the cultural shifts to prioritize resources to get help for kiddos and to encourage therapy, but let’s not forget that clichéd metaphor of the oxygen mask (which makes its appearance in this book too) that reminds us that one of the best ways we can help our kids is by first helping ourselves. When I support my clients in their own healing and/or skill development, it consistently positively impacts their relationships with their kids because it expands the ways they can show up for them.
Disclaimers: These reviews are based on my own personal experience reading these books and do not reflect on the book’s author or publisher. I have not received any commissions or other incentives to promote my reviews. My reviews express my own unbiased opinions.
