Photo by Caleb Lucas on Unsplash
“If you give a mouse a cookie…”: How to Avoid the subtle erosion of your boundaries
Children’s books are often written to teach valuable life lessons and/or skills to children in a way they can relate to. But as a child, I don’t think I successfully internalized this information. But, the seeds were planted…
As I mentioned in my previous post (“I’m Rubber; You’re Glue…”), I appreciate the value of asserting boundaries and that this has become such a popular discussion topic across many platforms. But, asserting boundaries is an ongoing process, not a one-time thing. Identifying and/or asserting the boundary is the first step, mitigating how others’ respond to your boundaries and/or maintaining those boundaries is an ongoing process and often requires additional skills to be developed.
Ok, so how do I do that?
Identify/acknowledge your boundaries (know your limits)
Practice asserting/communicating your boundaries to others (using your assertive communication skills)
Mindfully monitor that your boundaries are consistently being respected on an ongoing basis (what are your internal cues that your boundary has been crossed or disrespected?)
If your boundary gets crossed, reassert it (using assertive communication skills).
If your boundary is consistently crossed or disrespected, reassess whether or not this boundary is appropriate and consider increasing the rigidity (tighten the reins; close the gap) and reassert this updated boundary (again, using assertive communication skills).
If your boundary (or the flexibility of your boundary) is being taken advantage of, find your limit and assert it.
Rinse and repeat.
At the end of the day, you are the one responsible for maintaining your boundaries. Just because you communicate your boundary to someone one time does not mean it is now this other person’s responsibility to remember this information. In doing so, it also provides you the opportunity to assess patterns in this other person: did they just forget about your boundary? Are they testing your boundary? Are they looking for a way to get their foot in the door and subtly eroding your boundary as a way to manipulate?
“If you give a mouse a cookie, he’ll want a glass of milk” - Laura Joffe Numeroff
In reflecting on the book by Laura Joffe Numeroff, it presents the story of a mouse who continues to ask and ask and ask, which drains the energy and attention of the little boy.
On the one hand, this can be seen as a subtle manipulation of boundaries: the mouse never asks for anything wildly outrageous or inappropriate, but by the end of the story the boy’s energy has been completely drained.
Another perspective might highlight the dynamic between an adult and a child, wherein the mouse did not have the skills to complete these tasks for himself and required the support of the boy.
And still yet a third perspective is that the mouse has no idea that he is crossing the boy’s boundary because the boy NEVER communicates this (and we cannot expect others to read our minds).
Either way, the illustrations appear to show the boy asleep in a chair by the end of the book.
This story exemplifies the necessity that we need to continue to monitor our needs and our internal resources to help us maintain healthy boundaries. It’s important that we know what our limitations are with regard to our flexibility. Meaning, I’m okay with giving the mouse a cookie… and the glass of milk seems like a reasonable request… and yes a straw is a good idea so we don’t create a bigger mess that I’m then going to have to clean up… and a napkin to clean your paws after the cookie, sure… but if you used a straw and a napkin, you’re not going to have a milk mustache, so I’m going to say “no” to holding you up to the mirror. And therein lies my limit. Enjoy your milk and cookie!
If you feel like you need help developing the skills needed to identify, assert, and/or maintain healthy boundaries, I might be able to help you! Click here to learn more or contact me for more information.
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