The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents (2023) by Lisa Damour, Ph.D
In this book, Dr. Lisa Damour helps us to re-frame cultural expectations of emotional responses, especially in the context of adolescence and calls to attention a trend she has witnessed over the course of her career for difficult or painful emotions to be “prevented”, “banished”, or even labeled as “unacceptable”. She validates that adolescence is characterized by intense emotions and helps to discern between what is “normal” and what emotional patterns may be worth seeking the support of a mental health professional. And while this will be a challenging experience for parents and teens alike, our work as the parents (or other caring adults) is to help them to understand their emotions and gain insight rather than to ease discomfort. Throughout this book, Dr. Damour provides information and anecdotes to exemplify her guidance to help us navigate these trying times for us and our teens with the goals to clarify the myths around emotional expression and help us to strengthen our relationships with our teens and thereby helping them to cultivate necessary skills as they transition into adulthood. Through these trying emotional experiences, we are presented with opportunities to help our teens develop vital skills to help them thrive to include emotional regulation, distress tolerance, increased emotional awareness and healthy expression, and the foundations to cultivate healthy interpersonal relationships. But in order to be “a secure base for our teens” as Dr. Damour outlines, we need to be grounded in these skills ourselves, which may require us to seek outside support as well.
How did I hear about this book: listening to the author as a guest on one of my favorite podcasts @armchairexpertpod.
Would I recommend it to colleagues: Sure
Would I recommend this to clients: Yes, and I have already
How do I apply this content to my work: So much of the work that I do with my adult clients parallels that which Dr. Damour describes throughout this book, such as cultivating a new understanding of, and relationship to their emotions. I provide psychoeducation about the value/role of our emotions from both a concrete and anatomical perspective, as well as a more relational perspective. I may pull in information such as presented in Dr. Maté’s work to explain the anatomical role of our emotions’ impact on the interrelated functioning of our internal systems. And given that my work is heavily steeped in the Polyvagal Theory, I will provide psychoeducation regarding the role of co-regulation to develop the capacity for self-regulation, and use it as an intervention by modeling this in the therapeutic relationship and therefore instilling this as skill for my clients to translate it to their relationships with their kids or other loved ones. We also work on cultivating skills around emotional regulation and distress tolerance, as well as understanding the messages and cues our emotions (and the sensations that often accompany them) are trying to communicate to us so we can learn how to respond appropriately. This helps provide my clients with healthy alternatives to manage challenging emotions rather than the use of substances or other compulsive behaviors to cut off from uncomfortable feelings or relationships. And through the development of new skills, healing of the impacts of trauma within the context of safety in the therapeutic relationship, my clients are better prepared to provide the support their kids need because they are also better equipped to self-regulate during this intense phase of the developmental trajectory.
Disclaimers: These reviews are based on my own personal experience reading these books and do not reflect on the book’s author or publisher. I have not received any commissions or other incentives to promote my reviews. My reviews express my own unbiased opinions.
